I'm incredibly tired

So much can change in a year.

RIght now my main concern is making an afghan inspired by the pokemon yellow game.  It should be my German homework, but instead, it's the math concerned iwth making this thing seven and a hlf feet by four and a half feed, because that is a Golden rectangle, and I want it to be pleasing to the eye.  This means that if I use thirty squares to create my center motif and they are each 2.5 inches across, the motif in the center will be six and a half feet tall, leaving me a foot to create a border there.  The motif will be fourteen blocks horizontally, and at 2.5 inches, I will have a motif width of almost three feet.  I need to take up space 2.9to 4.5.  THe main issue is that my motif will TOUCH the top and bottom borders, but be way clear of the ones to the side.  THe solution, I guess, would be doing a blanet with each sprite on it, two total, but there's no meaning there.  The whole point is the combination of Red and Pikachu, and paying homage to the role the game played in my childhood.  Sure, that might have been making meinto a hermit, but if that's what I am today, then that's what deserves my homage, don'cha think?  So, what to take up the space between the sides of the motif and the sides of the blanket itself?  And will I be quilting or crocheting this?  THat's a lot of piecing swuares together if I crochet it, but I can also love it more if I do that.  xP  All handmade and whatnot.  xP

I suppose another idea would be to forgo a border and simply work green around my motifs.  FOr being tiny little suckers, they blow up BIG without trying.  Yet another thought would be to shrink my motif a bit, and use 2 inch squares.  That would make my total motif smaller than I think I'd like it, though, and leave space on ALL sides that I'd need to fill iwth God knows what.  

More math.  Keeping with the 7.5 by 4.5 length/width, my motif is 30/14 squares, making it three by six and a half feet, approximately, and I need six inches up top and bottom and nine inches on the sides.  Assuming I use squares for the entire blanket, that means I go a little off my ratio, and use two mroe rows top and bottom, and . . .  Four on the other sides, bringing my total area in squares to 34/22 squares or . . .  Sweet Jesus.  748 sqaures?  Totally gonna be a quilt, F that.  Okay, so I was calculating all that up to do yardage, but at this point, it prolly won't matter.  For the Hell of it, assuming each wee bitty square takes 30 feet of yarn, which is around three yards, we times three by 748 and get 224 . . .  Yards?   THat doesn't sound right at atll.  I shoudl get some sleep.

Still, what to go between the motif and border?  ANd what will go on the border?  The main colos of this piece will be yellow, blue, red, white, and black . . .  Pikachu will be yello and black with red cheeks, and since I'm coloring him, I feel I should also give the trainer peach skin . . .  The rest of him will be red hat, black shirt, and blue pants.  Since Pikachu is outlined in black, the background could be yellow, but that would prolly be too much of a good thing.  White would dirty WAY too quickly, and the other main colors are used too prominently int he sprites.  Both of them.  I could add yet another colro and gowith an alternating green/white background mimicking the pattern of grass in certain places in the games.  I already intended to do pokeball squares as the corners of the blanket, but ultimately, that's not much white.  I am not sure what to do with the rest of the border, either.  Maybe I will use something that mimics the speech bubbles in the games, so a double line following from the pokeballs in the corner.   

Helpful macaron links!

http://www.seriouseats.com/2007/10/introduction-to-french-macarons.html

http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2007/10/how-to-make-macarons-recipe.html

http://www.davidlebovitz.com/2008/09/making-french-macarons/

http://www.syrupandtang.com/200712/la-macaronicite-2-basic-technique-and-simple-macaron-recipe/

Thomas, I know you'll never find this, but God I wish I felt like I even deserved to speak to you ri

I feel like I owe you something at this point, but I don't know what.  An apology for being such a horrible communicator, or for hurting you so badly, or for whatever I did wrong, which I know you'll be angry to hear, I still can't recognize.

I quit talking to people I don't know well enough to piss off on the phone.  I still don't blame you at all, even though everyone in the world says I should.  Logic dictates that I should.  Even my own.  Sucks for me I follow my feelings, or I'm sure this would be much easier, considering.

Honestly, though?  I feel like I've made one of the biggest mistakes I ever will have the opportunity to make.  You understood me like no one else, and I feel like up until that last few hours, I did the same to you.  I can't believe I was so stupid.  I was just angry and I was reading too fast, and I didn't want you to leave me, and you seemed like you didn't want to stay, or even remember that you were ever around.  And I just wanted you to want me.

Funny thing is, immediately afterwards, I beat myself up.  I chewed off my knuckle, I cried, I quite literally punched myself.  I realized how thoroughly I ruin fucking everything.  Then I bottled it up.  I mentioned it to Joe, because he obviously noticed a change, but I didn't tell anyone.  I didn't go into my "pity me phase" at all.  I tried to forget.  I tried to let you go be you.  Not be hindered by some mentally-challenged hick in Murfreesboro, Tennessee.  I remembered why I don't forget.  I'm incapable.  That aside, I really do love you.  Don't tell.  -_-  Can't forget love, can't make it disappear.  If I had the money or time, I'd drive out to see you myself.  I can hardly drive, but it'd be worth it.  I'd love to see you before you leave. 

I really do hope you have fun out there on the Moon.  Fuck, I wish I could be there WITH you.  I wish  lot of dumb things, though. 

I'm scared to apologize again on the grounds that you'll be angry again.  I don't want that.  I just genuinely want you to know how I feel without it somehow infuriating you.  What the Hell, nigger?  What the Hell?

i feel fucking useless and empty

i want to hold him.  i don't think i've ever wanted anything so badly in my life.  i wish he would hold me, too, and just for once prove to me that i was ever worth more than she was.  i don't want to hate her.  i tried to be okay with her, but i couldn't.  What is wrong with me?  my feelings are pitching and rolling and i don't have a clear definition of where i should go.  my logic tells me to run far, far away and not look back, but i'm reacting poorly, as far as the involuntary goes.  i wish i had someone who would spar with me.  i don't care how hurt i get, i just need to let out all of this tension.  i don't know what to do any more.  should i knit?  Used to work.  Writing is painful.  Reading is useless.  my brain feels like it's about ot explode, and i'm getting headaches every other day.  Why am i still awake?  i can't sleep.  i fucking hate myself.  i'm fucking useless these days.  Fucking useless.

my insides are fighting to get out

i miss him

i want him so badly

i can't explain how my body feels now

just wrong

like going through withdrawals or something

sure it can be fixed

dunno how

i guess with him

if i could have him back

i wish he would apologize to me

i need to learn that i do not decree when apologies are owed

it is very hard

i could really use a wish right now

and possibly a loaded gun

fuck everything

praying on one hand that someone out there still reads this piece of shit

praying on the other hand that no one ever knows just how broken i am